Picture childhood. And rushing in come the many pillow fights and trivial tiffs over Mamma-loves-me-more-than-you, I-did-the-dishes-and-dusting-when-the-maid-was-away etc etc among siblings. These are memories for which one will be ready to part with one's entire wealth if they can be brought back.
And the reason could be more than mere nostalgia. Sometimes one also longs for the clock to go back so that the wrongs of the past could alas be set right.
Sibling rivalry is a comparitively less talked-about subject when it comes to discussing relations. However it is an important aspect which effects human behaviour and relations in a very profound manner.
In a film I saw there were these two sisters.
The elder: Beautiful, vivacious, lively, energetic, extrovert, hard-working.
Hobbies: swimming, driving, acting, going on picnics...and of course, making friends.
The younger: Ordinary-looking, unambitious, introvert
Hobbies: reading, films, day-dreaming
Of the two girls, the younger one was tired of being compared with her more endowed sibling. Was it any surprise then, that she grew up to be her own best friend with a terribly shaken self-confidence? Friends and family spared no opportunity to make her aware of her ordinary outward appearance, which according to the accepted societal norms was her shortcoming.
Another case which I read some time back was incidentally about two brothers.
Fairly good looking and innocent. The elder one simple, the younger one looking out for mischief. The elder one helpful, younger one always asking for help.
Both in love with outdoor games. Cricket topping the chart, badminton following closely. Summer afternoons reserved for carrom and cards. Together they had their share of fun and mischief, and often shared a good spanking session from their strict father, if the naughtiness went overboard. But Mamma was protective and would more than make up for the punishment with an extra bowl of ice-cream or some cream biscuits in the tiffin the next morning...
Growing up was like a song.
But not without some notes going out of tune at times. Nothing unusual about that. Happens everywhere. And this could be your story as much as it could be mine.
Going a little further and assuming human nature to work as it normally does, sibling rivalry would certainly be lurking right there in the backyard.
What happens when they are apparently mature adults, married and living their own separate lives.
How would it effect the shaping of future relations between these individuals....and also the bearing it would have on their personalities?
While on this hypothetical exercise, I am reminded of the time when my second child was born, I was advised by the elders in the family to take extra care of the elder one.
"He will not understand why the new-born needs more attention. Instead he may become jealous of the baby." My sister-in-law informed me.
How extremely ironical I thought!
My elder one had been waiting eagerly for his sibling to arrive. I was to come to know later that he had told all his friends in school about the wonderful new friend who would soon be his closest and dearest companion.
He had come straight from the play school to the hospital, and could not for a minute take his eyes off the infant, staring at him in disbelief and exclaiming adorably, "Amma! He's smaller than my teddy bear.....Was I so small too??!!!"
But the inevitable comparisons started raising their head even before the younger one was in school.
The granny would say:"Look at your elder brother...how obedient he is".
A guest would remark:"Wow! your younger one is so gorgeous!"
And once they both started going to school, the teachers contributed their bit too.
I was aghast and angry. But a more experienced friend told me to relax and not pay much heed. Teachers, she said, often inadvertantly (and at times knowingly, in order to bring out the best in students) compare siblings.
Thankfully there seemed to exist a pleasant bond of friendship between the boys.
One day the younger one came home looking sad and went straight to the grandmother's room. There he declared bravely:
"Dadi! Tomorrow I'm not going to leave that boy who hit me today!"
Dadi tried to calm him down. With a smile she asked him why he had not got even with that boy already.
The answer was full of innocent revengefulness. And we all could not help laughing as the younger one confided very seriously: "That boy is elder and stronger than me. Tomorrow my Bhaiyya will come with me and hit him nicely right and left...." and then looking at the elder brother, he asked as if to be reassured: "Bhaiyya you'll come no...?"
Is it some strange coincidence that God makes siblings in striking contrast? So how does one compare two completely different individuals when there is no basis for comparison? Comparing siblings and thus "creating" and "fanning" rivalry between them is, in my opinion the most uncivilised right that our civilisation has so generously bequeathed to each one of us, and justified it too. "Isn't healthy competition a pre-requisite to any development?" They say.
A little envy and ambition is required to fuel that healthy competition, which in turn would ideally ensure the blossoming of a personality.
However one must never forget that most certaily relationships developed in an environment of trust and understanding are by far more dependable than the ones that are fuelled by envious ambition. In times of need selfless associations become reliable shock-absorbers helping one to return to normalcy. It seems almost a necessity for us to seek such understanding in friends after being fed on the age- old adage by some bitterly hurt philosopher who said: "We cannot choose our relatives. But thank God we can choose our friends" or the more contemporary one which said "Best friends do not have the same nature, but they have the best understanding of each other's nature."
Why can't there be such an understanding between siblings who have grown up together and shared so much in their lives? Just a small chat over the telephone with someone who understands you is enough to take the stress off your mind.
And why can't that person be one's siblings? Why can't one's sibling be one's friend too?
It is just a matter of digging deeper into one's conscience and soon enough a voice will say:
"I want to go back to the days when siblings were my only foes" !!!!!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Balancing Kinship
Although this may be said more vocally about finances and money, the fact that relations are the most unstable of all the possessions that one may ever be attached to can hardly be denied. Most of one's relations are established at birth just as some other vitals like religion, gender, nationality etc are as helplessly determined. In addition to these predetermined specifics in one's life there are more associations that come along through societal responsibilities like marriage and work/profession, and also as simply as friendships forged over a period of time.
Of the relations so developed, the extension of family through marriage becomes as important and permanent as the relations by birth or what are more popularly known as blood relations. And perhaps these are more complicated too as in they often become defining factors in shaping the bonding between blood relatives. They tend to determine the strenghtening and blossoming(or the withering away) of a family and thus determine the happiness (or the conflict) that could make or break an entire clan.
Therefore it is very important to choose these associations intelligently. But in a world full of imperfections,passion and selfishness this is easier said than done. One is so painfully amazed to see crowded family courts full of once-upon-a-time loved ones facing one another with bitterness. And more painful is the fact that they are but a small portion of the vast majority of blood relatives locked in varying degrees of hateful rivalry.
A fair amount of friction cannot be ruled out though, if individuals have to interact and live in harmony. Ironical as it may sound, the fact that no two individuals are same, and difference in opinion is considered a healthy sign of co-existence cannot be ignored. Tact, transperancy and understanding assume great importance in building and cementing long-lasting togetherness specially in multi-dimensional relations.
How can understanding develop? And how much of tact should be brought into use? How much should one "give" in order to be able take something in a "give-and-take" venture? These are questions that do not have a tailor-made answer. Nor is there a ready-reckoner on relations that can provide helpful formulas forever. But some broadly defined rules can be kept in mind.
The following may be guidelines of sorts:
1) Always place yourself in the position of the other in case of a conflict to "understand" the other's point of view.
2) Never try to seek perfection.
3) Do not "give" anything in charity to someone who does not require it. And never "give" in expectation of something in return.
4) Always have work areas well defined.
5) Have good fences and respect other's space and privacy.
And the most important thing to remember is that for a relationship to be enjoyable one must understand and be understood by the other. This is where transparency comes in. In most circumstances misunderstandings start with petty things and soon ego takes over reason. Ego is often confused with self respect.....but while self respect makes a man worthy, ego spells doom...self respect is a source of dignified existance, ego undoutedly causes devastation, not just for the egotist but by extension to associated relationships as well.
Balancing anything is difficult. And balancing kinship is perhaps the most difficult of all balancing acts. But relationships are the most precious treasure of a human being because good relations bring more contentment than all the material wealth in the world. Hence investment in relations must be as selfless an effort as is humanly possible.
And if earnest attempts are made, even in an imperfect selfish world it is not impossible to have workably fulfilling relationships. The most important ingrediant that goes into the making of delicious kinships is a fair quantity of sincereity dressed with the most exhilarating herbs namely tact, love and humaneness.
Of the relations so developed, the extension of family through marriage becomes as important and permanent as the relations by birth or what are more popularly known as blood relations. And perhaps these are more complicated too as in they often become defining factors in shaping the bonding between blood relatives. They tend to determine the strenghtening and blossoming(or the withering away) of a family and thus determine the happiness (or the conflict) that could make or break an entire clan.
Therefore it is very important to choose these associations intelligently. But in a world full of imperfections,passion and selfishness this is easier said than done. One is so painfully amazed to see crowded family courts full of once-upon-a-time loved ones facing one another with bitterness. And more painful is the fact that they are but a small portion of the vast majority of blood relatives locked in varying degrees of hateful rivalry.
A fair amount of friction cannot be ruled out though, if individuals have to interact and live in harmony. Ironical as it may sound, the fact that no two individuals are same, and difference in opinion is considered a healthy sign of co-existence cannot be ignored. Tact, transperancy and understanding assume great importance in building and cementing long-lasting togetherness specially in multi-dimensional relations.
How can understanding develop? And how much of tact should be brought into use? How much should one "give" in order to be able take something in a "give-and-take" venture? These are questions that do not have a tailor-made answer. Nor is there a ready-reckoner on relations that can provide helpful formulas forever. But some broadly defined rules can be kept in mind.
The following may be guidelines of sorts:
1) Always place yourself in the position of the other in case of a conflict to "understand" the other's point of view.
2) Never try to seek perfection.
3) Do not "give" anything in charity to someone who does not require it. And never "give" in expectation of something in return.
4) Always have work areas well defined.
5) Have good fences and respect other's space and privacy.
And the most important thing to remember is that for a relationship to be enjoyable one must understand and be understood by the other. This is where transparency comes in. In most circumstances misunderstandings start with petty things and soon ego takes over reason. Ego is often confused with self respect.....but while self respect makes a man worthy, ego spells doom...self respect is a source of dignified existance, ego undoutedly causes devastation, not just for the egotist but by extension to associated relationships as well.
Balancing anything is difficult. And balancing kinship is perhaps the most difficult of all balancing acts. But relationships are the most precious treasure of a human being because good relations bring more contentment than all the material wealth in the world. Hence investment in relations must be as selfless an effort as is humanly possible.
And if earnest attempts are made, even in an imperfect selfish world it is not impossible to have workably fulfilling relationships. The most important ingrediant that goes into the making of delicious kinships is a fair quantity of sincereity dressed with the most exhilarating herbs namely tact, love and humaneness.
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